I have felt such despair many times in my life. Most of them spent with humans.
There is something quite peculiar about loneliness. It is not so much as the state of being alone. It is rather a thought. Perhaps more of a feeling.
I am now alone in the room as I am writing this piece and yet I don’t feel lonely.
Nobody wants to be lonely. I am of no exception. However, I prefer to be alone most of the time. I try to escape the chaos of socialization and hide within the corners of my comfort zone where I simply read, write or dream.
To me, loneliness comes to visit when I am surrounded with friends whose conversations are too distant from the topics I wish to share. Oftentimes, as to not offend or worry them, I force myself to engage in their socializing. I feel deeply guilty for having to fake a smile. I enjoy the people that they are. I just can’t bring myself to enjoy the things they enjoy.
So in my room, when I recall the moments I shared with friends, I often fall in the spiral of depression. This is when I am lonely and alone at the same time. I realize that the people who I truly wish to talk with are out of reach. I cannot tell them my honest feelings because I do not want them to feel at fault. It’s my fault. Yet I hate to admit it to end my friendship with them. I do not want to end any friendship. I just.. I simply don’t know how to interact with them.
Whenever I scroll through my social media feed, I see the smiles of my friends together with companions who are much better in interacting with them. Or so I assume. There’s sadness, yet there’s relief. I am still their friend and I know they consider me still as one. When they need my help, I will do my best to be of aid.
There’s the choice to welcome it as a guest to realize the importance of such relationships.
But now, she barely comes knocking because she knows that there’s joy and peace in me at the moment.. even if I’m alone in my room.