Lonely is a Sad Word; I Prefer to be Alone

Loneliness.

I have felt such despair many times in my life. Most of them spent with humans.

There is something quite peculiar about loneliness. It is not so much as the state of being alone. It is rather a thought. Perhaps more of a feeling.

I am now alone in the room as I am writing this piece and yet I don’t feel lonely.

Nobody wants to be lonely. I am of no exception. However, I prefer to be alone most of the time. I try to escape the chaos of socialization and hide within the corners of my comfort zone where I simply read, write or dream.

To me, loneliness comes to visit when I am surrounded with friends whose conversations are too distant from the topics I wish to share. Oftentimes, as to not offend or worry them, I force myself to engage in their socializing. I feel deeply guilty for having to fake a smile. I enjoy the people that they are. I just can’t bring myself to enjoy the things they enjoy.

So in my room, when I recall the moments I shared with friends, I often fall in the spiral of depression. This is when I am lonely and alone at the same time. I realize that the people who I truly wish to talk with are out of reach. I cannot tell them my honest feelings because I do not want them to feel at fault. It’s my fault. Yet I hate to admit it to end my friendship with them. I do not want to end any friendship. I just.. I simply don’t know how to interact with them.

Whenever I scroll through my social media feed, I see the smiles of my friends together with companions who are much better in interacting with them. Or so I assume. There’s sadness, yet there’s relief. I am still their friend and I know they consider me still as one. When they need my help, I will do my best to be of aid.

Loneliness.

There’s the choice to welcome it as a guest to realize the importance of such relationships.

But now, she barely comes knocking because she knows that there’s joy and peace in me at the moment.. even if I’m alone in my room.

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God’s Simplest Yet Most Difficult Command: To Love

I wish to live in a world where we actually do what our God wants us to do. I firmly believe that God’s calling sounds the same as the children’s cry for help, the begging of poor people, the shout for justice and pleading for mercy. Look at all the temples we’ve built and yet, the people God created to love sleep in the streets. Look at all the food we’ve offered to the altar and yet, the stomachs of God’s beloved children are empty. Hear all the the songs we sing to worship God and yet, we never speak a word to comfort the mourning ones or to offer forgiveness to the sinners. We can pray for them in secret but we can also show them abundantly the love of God through us.

Reading through my diaries when I was in high school, I realized that I was indeed suffering from depression. The pages were filled with hateful comments about myself by me. Words were blurred by what I can only remember as tears fallen due to my anxiety. Silent requests of death and harm can be found in a journal disguised as a cute notebook. As I scanned through the pages, I recalled the struggles I fought asking God the why’s even to the point of asking God if He even exists.

I thought that I simply wrote what I felt and the only audience I had was myself. I didn’t think of it as a prayer although I addressed most of my entries to God. Yet, He heard them and responded to them through the family and friends who carried me through my sufferings and even strangers who unconsciously lifted my spirits through their heart-warming stories.

These people responded to God’s call whether it was their intention or not. They showered me love and compassion when I needed it. Now, there are people all around me who need the same love and the same compassion to get through this life.

I have nothing against religious traditions. I have nothing against different beliefs. Each of us has a unique way of loving and the same goes for our unique way of worshiping our God. What I simply ask is for us to focus on what God is really calling us to do instead of judging each other’s religious background. Instead of condemning and thinking that it’s God’s will for them to suffer, isn’t it a divine calling to simply respond with love even if they are enemies? Instead of proving that one’s religion is the true religion, wouldn’t it be better to prove a loving God in an unbelieving world? Instead of a sermon and correcting mistakes, isn’t the sight of kindness more glorifying to our God?

I do not deserve the love of a God,” I wrote in my journal, “and yet I yearn for love all my life.” I believe this is the universal truth for all mankind.

Not the First, but Hopefully the Last

The man I married was not the first person I loved, but I hope he is the last. My previous relationships have taught me a lot of things and 21 years after, I decided to tie the knot and use all the lessons I’ve learned to love the man I’ve promised my whole life with.

This blog is the same. I have created so many blogs ever since I owned a computer. I lost count of them and some, I don’t even have access to. The first time I posted my stories, only my friends visited but only out of curiosity and never to return. The next time was for bragging purposes. I cleaned my grammar and only re-posted refined gems. Again, no one visited. When I joined the workforce, I realized that there is magic behind the words and the websites they are posted to. They were governed by the powerful Search Engine Optimization or for short, SEO. When I applied as a writer to a journalism website, I have learned the basics of its spells. I can now cast them in this blog and use its power to summon readers.

I’ve loved, lost but I learned. I’ve written, been unnoticed but I learned. I’m hoping that my legacy will finally start here and the lessons will keep coming so I’ll keep learning to be better.

Currently Being Fixed

 

Sometimes we are not aware that we are broken until things fall apart.

I’m like a broken cistern right now. The saddest part when you smile is people don’t get to see the pain in your soul. So as long as I put up this smile, the cistern is still capable of holding leaking water.

“What now?” I thought. The word that keeps popping out from my mind is SURREAL. Everything is surreal. I went back to my vices before: watching TV shows, reading manga, sleeping in my bed at daytime, playing for hours. The next word beside SURREAL is SELFISHNESS.

This calmness is a very uneasy calmness. It is not the same calmness I get whenever I am serving others. This calmness is making me irritated whenever I try to help others. I know deep inside that when Christ said, “Peace be with you,” He didn’t mean this peace.

The song above describes the root of this uneasy calmness.

Here’s a short snippet of my life:
I fell in love with a guy while I was with another. Not in a solid relationship. No. But I was still with a guy. Emotional disaster over another emotional disaster. I broke both hearts. I broke mine. I lost a very precious friendship.

Ever since, I feel like I’m hiding inside a cage. I thought I was safe when I couldn’t see what I lost. But from time to time, a calm, surreal dream seeps in my mind and reminds me what it is that I’ve lost.

Here’s another one:
I lost my best friend. Was it insecurity? Was it lack of interaction? But yes, I’ve lost my beloved best friend and I kept chasing her. At some point, I got tired of chasing and befriended someone else. I thought to myself, “The time. The effort. The love. All of those that I couldn’t give to my best friend, I will give to someone else.” But it wasn’t easy. We clicked so fast that I didn’t get the chance to even know her. Now, I’m standing in the middle of regret and remorse. I didn’t know her. Not even now. I look at her as she says that she loves me, her best friend. I honestly can’t say the same thing. I look at her and I can’t see a friend.

After that, I remembered someone telling me, “You’re a good person. You’re just really bad with relationships.” I’m starting to believe that now.

I didn’t know that I was starting to have cracks. I doubt every relationship I have. I have the urge to look at each “friend” I have and ask, “Are you going to leave also? Are you here because it’s convenient for you? Are you only my friend because I am nice to you?” I’m sacred of their answers but I guess in my brain the default answer is yes.

The most surreal idea for most people, to me, right now, is the only real thing I know. That a God can love me, a filthy creature, to the point of suffering. That a God will actually disregard past, present, future flaws and mistakes to stay in this relationship. That a God who has everything will give up so much for someone who can’t even offer Him something.

A selfish conclusion. I think that if I’ll ever have a perfect relationship, it’s because the one loving me is perfect. Not the other way around.

When I think that way, I know I can be fixed.

Moments When God Is So Cute…

Okay. I know it’s an awkward title. It’s beyond awkward saying an Almighty God is cute but hey, I am weird and God loves me even when I am weird.

We have our own definition of what is cute and in my case, I think of cute things beyond the physical. I see a very horribly-looking kitten rolling and I’ll find it cute despite its filth. I see a beggar smiling randomly and I’ll find it cute. I don’t know if there’s a term to describe my behavior towards these certain things (besides, bizarre or its synonyms) but that’s what cute is for me.

And I find God cute at certain moments in my life.

There are cases when I think of God as this entity who has loved me so passionately and He can only give me hints to express this amazing love.

For instance:

Lately, I’ve been missing someone from my past. He’s been someone very important to me and I have loved him dearly but things didn’t really work out between us and the worse scenario happened when we have to really avoid each other. He blocked me in Facebook which meant to me as some huge sign saying “You’re not welcome in my life anymore”.

I’ve been checking if one day I can see his profile again and know how he is doing and I’ve been troubled by my always wanting to look back. I shouldn’t be looking back. I should be looking ahead. But God knew what was in my heart. God knew my desire to know how he is doing.

And this is when I find God’s actions towards my life cute because I’ve always thought He wants me to forget and to never wish to look back by stalking the person.

Indeed, He didn’t want me to look back anymore but He also gave in to my heart’s persistent call to know how well the person was doing.

So after a long time of prayer that night, I went to Facebook to check if I have messages. I did. I forgot to text the Jazz Chants my best friend asked me for. And  I was looking through the feeds and by this time, I wasn’t even thinking of him but there it was. I saw an album of his co-worker and some of the pictures included him. And that’s when I know he’s doing well. No. I want you to know what God said to me when I saw his picture:

“See? I told you he’s doing just fine.”

And I find this very amazingly cute. After looking at the picture, I thought that my feelings for him would rush back in me again. But it didn’t. Instead, I laughed at this very cute moment in which God has given me so much happiness, not just in reassuring me that the person I like is doing fine, but also because of His faithfulness. I was more aware of God after that.

Before, my mind has been preoccupied with thoughts about the person but now, I can’t help but smile because of God.

The First Day Doesn’t Mean The Best One

What else do I have to explain? There is nothing absolutely special about this first day of the new year. If there be anything, we simply watched movies and I slept (or tried to sleep).

What I did learn, however, is to be patient of results. I’ve always thought of how in the first few weeks of every new year, I fail to follow my resolutions. Today, I’ve realized that a resolution takes a habit. I’m gonna fail in the first few times but as long as I continue, I will be able to follow my resolutions.

I’ve also realized how hard it is to make and break a habit. I’ve been a very lazy person these past years of my life and I cannot escape the fact that I am a sleepyhead. I like dreaming. If there be anything that I wish to do the whole day, it is to dream instead of work.

BUT! I want to change that. I want to make the habit of working instead of dreaming my time away.

However, today wasn’t really the good example of trying to make that habit. Instead, I’ve watched ridiculous movies and trying to dream again. I really have to try harder.

I’m not gonna stop here though. As what I’ve said, I have to be patient to see the results 🙂

And more importantly, beyond anything and every plan, I am dedicating all for God’s glory!

2014, this ain’t over yet! XD

On the Day of a Savior’s Birth

There isn’t much about Christmas for me when I was a kid… but gifts and eating delicious foods.

The more years I spent here on Earth the less I’ve cared about wrapped materials and food. Each year seems to be a moment that God uses to bring me closer to Him and the closer I get to Him, the more I am in awe of Christmas.

I’m not really quite sure if December 25 is the exact date but it sure does remind me of a couple going through a tough trip, the girl pregnant and about to give birth. It reminds me of how a King was born in a simple manger.

And it reminds me of God’s love.

I am curious what it feels like to be in that scene. I want to know the feeling of being there in the manger. I want to hear baby Jesus’ crying and be amazed at how this fragile little creature will soon conquer death and save humanity.

We are so overcome by Christmas events and yet, I want to spend every Christmas stopping for a moment to remember the little baby born to this world with its fragile fingers and silent sleeping as He lay in the makeshift bed in the manger.

I want to remember that it was the start of God’s saving grace through Jesus Christ, the messiah 🙂